Tears.

 

I’m crying a lot again lately…the Holidays, I assume…

the point of my post is not to gain pity from anyone reading this, it’s simply an observation that I’ve made over the past week about my own tears and the way that they seem to work.

I blew my nose this morning after a disgusting sneezing/coughing fit (yes, I have the creep and bronchitis still…), and was somehow given the cursedly magical flashback of a time during Boo’s earliest years alive – she was probably around 3 or so; she inherited her mother’s schedule-bending allergies, and I flashed upon the time she was learning how to blow her nose. I was overcome by the memory of holding a wad of tissues to her little button nose and directing her to blow from her “booger holes” as hard as she could – and the experience that followed my instruction – the one in which I learned how well my only child can mimic me; she blew with all her might into the tissues and never had a runny nose again, to my recollection. People always used to trip out about the way my toddler regularly retrieved a tissue and blew her little faucet nose, without being told to do so.

She was such a miniature adult, always….

I cried for about an hour after I finished blowing my nose.

 

Next, were the stupid Candy Corn Rocks in the box of Halloween decorations that I begrudgingly pulled out at my roommate’s out-of-character request (wtf???)

The year before she left my life, Boo and I painted some river rocks that we had started collecting right after I came home from the hospital; the collection had grown over the handful of years, and we spent a lot of time and attention on finding rocks that were specifically reminiscent of Candy Corns, because when we started out with it, she was too young to differentiate shapes very well and it was one she could easily identify. It had been her random idea to paint them in time for what would become our very last Halloween at home together. When I see them, I feel both endearment and bitterness; one of my hands wants to throw each rock as far away from me as I can manage; the other hand wants to somehow wrap each one up and protect it from anything and everything because it’s Boo.

3 thoughts on “Tears.

  1. mandy says:

    Oh my gosh–I got through! I have no idea why yours is the only blog that will not load for me–your page bounces all over, and that little blue circle at the top goes round and round and round! And now it just loaded-so I will go on and on…not really! I hate seeing the tears, but I understand how they come sometimes, especially at “anniversary” time. God I hate anniversaries of things. Do they ever bring anything BUT tears? I remember stories about Boo, and remember a long time ago, I had a “Boo”. Most heartbreaking thing a mother can live with. Just know that there is always someone out there who gets what you’re going through. I think I get a lot of what you go through over Boo. You’ve had a shitload to deal with. Can I give you a ((hug))? If I can’t get through again, want to say thanks for the reblog. Love ya ♥

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